Britain’s Got Talent - check me out, posting same night!

Starting with the act that any bloke can do, let’s face it - I live with three Mr. Methanes. Followed closely in awfulness by synchronised dog walking and some odd looking tai chi. The call centre worker singing ‘Hello’? We quickly said goodbye, then hurriedly called him back because anything would be better than the wannabe Nell Gwynn flouting her oranges to tuneless drivel. “People cry when they hear me sing.” She says. “I have the ability to move people.” She’s not wrong - I left the room with tears pouring down my face.Come on - she’s got to be a plant, surely? One buzz, start again. Two buzz, start again. Three buzzes. They always come along in threes don’t they, buzzes, well known fact …

Lewis Taylor, the ventriloquist with a twist - he’s not a ventriloquist. Ho hum. Merlin, the escapologist juggler. Why’d they have to hide him getting out of the chains? Was it because, perchance, a six year old could have slipped them over his shoulders? Now if he’d juggled the fire sticks actually under the water, I’d have been more impressed. Yes to dance act Freedom Movement, street performer Jon Dempsey, the band Schwing and a couple more dance acts, all of whom it would have been nice to see more of. Then we come to Greg Pritchard, a singing waiter and there’s shock at first then hesitant clapping - was that really him? A male soprano - he could dress up and be a fantastic drag act.

Little Thomas, aged 5 - he made the Crazy Frog disappear, works for me. Frankie, 49. In a coat. She’s a belly dancer, I said, any money you like. I really wish I’d been wrong. A costume would have been nice. Then we got some more urgh-no-get’em-off acts and then we got the ooh-way hay-oh, yeah-get’em off whydont'cha-Mr Officer and Gentleman act all we ladies want to see again *phwoar* Ahem. Why oh why didn’t they show more of him? C’mon Amanda - have a word!

The Dream Bears - very funny mickey-take of the can-can: “We’ve danced in front of many queens!” And finally, 17 year old Sean, rugby player, sings ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’, nice voice, needs a bit of polish I think, mates going loopy. So no-one truly outstanding but some show promise.