3BT: Scenes we'd like to see ...

... improbable TV listings.

Sunday 3rd January

3.00pm: David Attenborough's Life
Ecologists, palaeontologists and conservationists gather to celebrate their spiritual leader and God of Man.

3.30pm: Antiques Stage Show
Members of the public challenge Fiona Bruce to utilize their old junk in a tableau homage to Broadway.

4.00pm: "Don't You Know Who I Am?"
The ancestry programme moves to London's West End, as a minor celebrity tries to charm bouncers with their best drunken dialogue and fanny/pecker flashing skills. Spin off show "WhoThe F**k Do They Think They Are?" follows on BBCITV4 at 3.00am.

3BT: Scenes we'd like to see ...

... lines you wouldn't find in the Bible.

The Lord had said unto Abram: "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you, where the women are easy and the booze is cheap."

The Pharisees and Sadducees came to Jesus and tested him by asking him to show them a sign from heaven. He obliged and showed them the one he'd nicked off the mens' toilet door, just before the club closed down.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by the yoke of reality tv.

3BT: Scenes we'd like to see ...

Alternative opening lines from great books ...

Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much, and their swinging parties were considered to be the best in the neighbourhood.

When Mr. Bilbo Baggins if Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much muttering and eye rolling at what the old codger had in mind this time.

Lyra and her Daemon moved through the darkening hall, taking care to keep to one side, out of sight of the Britain's Got Talent judges, lest they were accidentally sent through to the final as the next Kate and Gin.

3BT: Scene's We'd Like To See ...

... lines you wouldn't find in a Harry Potter book (2)

Voldemort lowered his wand, and, unexpectedly tenderly, said: "No, Harry - I am your father!"

"Wow, Minerva," panted Crabbe, surfacing from the quilt. "When you said you were going to teach me a lesson, you weren't joking."

Dobby and Winky's wedding was a marvellous affair - and her bump barely showed through the white lacy tea towel.

3BT: Scene's We'd Like To See ...

... rejected first lines of great poems:

'Is there anybody there?' said the Traveller
'only, I can do you a nice new driveway - block paving - for under two grand.'

My heart aches and drowsy numbness pains;
remind me not to mix the vodka redbulls with the depth charges.

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
It'll look fetching with me yellow knickers
Unless I remember the Tena Lady.

3BT: Scenes We'd Like To See

Unlikely concerts ...

Michael Jackson's Is He/Isn't He/Is That Really Really It? Tour.

Robert Mugabe Presents: The White Supremacists, backed by the Colonial Crooners.

The Dark Lord Cometh - Peter Mandelson's reflections on Nosferatu, arranged by Ozzy Osbourne.

Scenes we'd like to see ...

... greetings cards that wouldn’t sell:

Good luck in your new care home

Hoping the divorce settlement goes your way

Sorry to hear of your recent life sentence

Now that you’ve passed your paternity test …

3BT: Scenes we'd like to see ...

Major brands selling condoms - but retaining the same tagline:

Wot sits on ya wotsits? (Wotsits)

Give your rooster a bit of a booster (Paxo)

Once you pop you can’t stop (Pringles)

There’s also ‘If you like cheese, you’ll love these’ - but for the life of me I can’t recall what the product is! Someone put me out of my misery, please - it'll bug me forever.

3BT: Scenes we’d like to see ...

... unsuccessful Personal Ads

1. Ex-bank clerk seeks wealthy ex-bank boss with excellent long term money but short term life prospects.

2. Army Staff Sergeant seeks companion for mellow yomps in the countryside. Camouflage gear provided.

3. 22 year old woman seeks man for long and happy relationship. Fifteenth time lucky, eh?

3BT: DO SOMETHING FUNNY FOR MONEY: SCENES WE'D LIKE TO SEE ...

... the worst records in the world ever:

My Stalker Just Cares For Me

Pimp My Bell

Stairway to Attic

Remember I mentioned this last week? If this post ends up with at least 100 comments, either adding your own song title or commenting on someone else’s, I’ll double my donation to Comic Relief. I’ll re-post this link every few days to keep it near the top as we get closer to Comic Relief night - please send it onto anyone you think might contribute. Thank you!

4BT: Scenes we’d like to see …

... bad things to hear on waking up:

“That was a darnce disarrster, darrrling.”

“I say, would a jar of Vaseline help?”

“… four thousand, five thousand, six thousand …PULL.”

“Good evening. Dinner is served. With a nice chianti and some fava beans. Ya ya ya ya yum!”

I know, I've cheated by having four - if there's an overwhelming majority that hates one of them, I'll delete it!

3BT: Scenes we’d like to see ...

…unlikely medical labels.

Ingredients: Eye of newt and wing of bat; leg of toad and tongue of cat; stir twice round and twice again; with a leaky felt tip pen.

As tested on Paul Daniels.

May cause sudden and uncontrollable attraction to goats.

3BT: Scenes we’d like to see - Letters ignored by Jim’ll Fixit

Dear Jim, I’m a judge on Strictly Come Dancing and I want to decide the winner - can you fix it for me?

Dear Jim, my husband is having an affair with his secretary and I’ve heard you’re known as ‘The Fixer’, is this true?

Dear Jim, I can‘t get out of my turning because of the snow - do you have a 4x4 I can borrow?

3BT: Scenes We’d Like To See

Things you wouldn’t hear Jeremy Paxman say on University Challenge

1. No rush - take as long as you need.

2. Ooh, so close - I’ll give you that.

3. What a charming mascot!

3BT: Scenes You’d Like To See

Guess what book of a TV series I got for Christmas? So for starters it’s …lines you wouldn’t find in a Harry Potter book:

1. Professor McGonagall gazed smoulderingly at Hermione over the top of her misted up glasses.

“Payment for the loan of the Time-Turner will be in kind, Miss Granger …”

2. Hagrid was dragged kicking and cursing from his hut, as the hooded and masked re-possessors moved in.

3. There was an ominous whistling through his teeth, as the plumber stared into the chamber entrance in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.

Feel free to add your own!