Logie Baird's Log

Och, I tried to keep quiet an' no let it get to me but I just dinnae get what these people’s problem is – the television is supposed tae be for fun and yet there’s all this fighting going on! I thought technology woulda moved on sufficiently since ma day – don’t they have this Sky + jobbie now , or jest an ordin’ry DVD recorder? Quite apart from that, X-Factor is repeated next day! Honestly, we do like tae make entertainment hard work!

Josephine Bonaparte's Journal, April 1796: Draft letter to her husband

Bonjour, my darling 'usband,

Remember me, do you? 'ere I was, awaiting your pleasure, when zey inform me that you 'ave sodded off to Italy and 'might be some time'!

When you said "Not tonight, Josephine" on our wedding night, I assumed ze old trouble was playin' up again after ze wedding breakfast - you really should see a doctor about your leetle problem - especially when we are out of air freshener; zen you fail to turn up again and I give you ze benefit of ze doubt, that you were tired from ze celebrations and we'd be at it like rabbits during an apocalypse tonight instead. But no, apparently you prefer to see the sights of Vienna; Malta; Egypt - I' 'ave some pretty fine mountains myself, monsieur, let me tell you - and why could I not have come, zat would 'ave been one 'ell of an 'oneymoon?

You just better bring me back somezing nice and keep your promise to make me an Empress, monsieur, or else.

Your loving wife,
Josephine xxxmwah mwahxxx

Enzo's Pit Stop

I ama astounded - I doughta Michael was alla fita anda raring to go and now dey tell me 'e isa "indisposeda"! A stiffa neck? What isa alla databouta, huh? A stiffa neck? What is he, some kinda wimpa or what? I remember, back ina de daya, gearing up a for a race with my arma ina slinga and running a temperature of 104c - no stamina, dese prima donnas today! Dey need a stint as a mule shoer in de army, datta sorta de men froma de boys, you know whad I’m saying. Mr Baracca senior, he was impresseda wida my bravery and audacity - I'da never beena presented with de prancing horse for being a nancy, you know whad I mean?

And whadda dey doing widda my cars this year anyhows? I'msa gedding a little bitta annoyeda now wid Kimi, he's a Ferrari world champion for crying oudda loud - whassup wid' him? Apart from being a boring bastard, I mean? It wasa ok while 'e was a winning but maybe he a needa some ice shoved down 'is pantsa, huh? Whaddya dink? I'm offa to finda ice bucket ... Ciao, Bella! *Mwah*


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