The things they say

We’re in the car and Wham’s Everything She Wants comes on the radio and Matt says:

“D’you remember that man on X Factor in 2005 who sang this and Louis and Simon walked out and then they came back and they all said no. Cos he was rubbish. And then he got all annoyed and swore at the cameraman and the police took him away?”

Er …no! Amazing memory, my Matt. Anyone else remember that?

Warning! Corny Joke Alert!!

I walked past the fridge last night and thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.

When I opened the fridge door it was just chives talking…

Schnitzler’s La Ronde

The second of the aCT now! plays at Chatham’s Central Theatre meant I was out and about enjoying myself twice within the space of two weeks. Shocking isn’t it - and I’ve now been banned for twenty years, much like this play was - because it was too dirty for the sensibilities of the 1900’s. I’ve been banned because They didn’t like having to make their own pancakes. I mean, how tricky is it to shake the bottle and pour a bit into a frying pan?

It’s hard to believe that a play whose sexual encounters consisted of a series of ----------- in the written form could cause such consternation. Back then, the sex scenes on stage were represented by the lowering of the curtain and playing classical music - playing it in a rhythm evocative of sexual intercourse …I can’t believe I’m writing this. Oh, hang on - it’s art, so it’s ok … Back then though, the entire theatre company were arrested on obscenity charges! Seems rather quaint by today’s standards, doesn’t it!

I wasn’t really getting it at first (maybe I should rephrase that?) What I mean is, it struck me like a round robin tournament - five actors playing eleven characters - everyone has a play with everyone, if you get my drift and there was no journey towards a solution. Which, of course, is why it’s called ‘The Round Dance’!

There was a ‘Talkback’ with the cast of theatre company Love&Madness at the end of the play, when they took us through the adaptation process and the whole getting-their-kit-off-in-every-scene made sense. Bringing the play back in these modern anything - goes time, director Neil Sheppeck had to find a way of presenting the sex scenes: Seduced by a tango lesson four years ago, he knew he’d struck gold when a friend suggested he listen to the Gotan Project. The problem was solved - no curtain required, the actors Tango! See, I thought I was going to a dance show; Strictly is ruined for me now.

I’m all for a bargain and The Cherry Orchard and Relatively Speaking (I’m going AWOL on 30th March for that) we covered in our scriptwriting course. Book three of the four aCT now! plays though and you get three for less than the price of two! So my third choice was La Ronde (featuring the Tango) or Oliver Twist (seen that, sung that, done the school play) which the company performed the night before. They rehearsed both plays at the same time, which made me think: What if a couple of the actors forgot where they were during Oliver? Could have added a whole new dimension to Sykes and Fagin’s relationship …

Question of the night to the actors, from TalkBack host, Nick Walker: How easy did you find slipping in and out of all the different characters? Only in Chatham …

Running Commentary, Dancing on Ice: Week Seh-VEN. Oops! Wrong show, sorry

I missed the opening - but I’m in time to hear Roxy say the dreaded ‘H’ word! Remember I said about my telly not liking the orange/pink combos? Thanks Holly, nice one. Will Young accompanies another mesmerising T&D routine (although with a couple of awkward looking lifts) Shut Up! I never said that, I love T&D. There’s always one of Jayne’s skating dresses I’d like a longer version of - tonight’s is the one. Required element: A chain of four elements, a sort of ice dancing triple jump. Chris implies it’s going to be a laugh, naughty Chris!

The difference the music makes: Mamma Mia gives me my favourite Zomatt performance to date. More skating, not perfect but required element there and I really like her trousers. Much more sparkle (the skating, not the trousers). Score: 23.5, their best. Fighting back again for Frelinda - Let’s Hear it for the Boy, no mistakes this time, excellent required element. I loved the running swing jump, best to date from them too. Score: 18.5? I thought it’d get a bit more than that. Wish she didn’t analyse so much though.

Floral dancing to Everybody Hurts. I’m sure they do, ice is hard. His little girl, bless - did she just say she’d let him make her pancakes? A bit of a trip, what a shame, because it was lovely, a real emotional connection. He recovered well again though. If he stays in - and I hope he does - I feel there’s a magnificent performance within Floral. I think it was a dodgy piece of ice myself. Score: 17 Roxiel in full saucy Marilyn Mode to I Wanna be Loved By You, and I’m hiding behind my notepad now but she’s ok, the headbanger worked! Score: 19. Ruthie just called her Zoe and is being booed; Jason’s on Roxy’s side for the first time.

Pavica share a fleeting video visit from KP *stops writing for a moment to savour the experience* and then dance to Unbreak My Heart. Very understated, gorgeous routine full of passion, nailed the required element and the first one to do it solo. At least I think she did because it looks like the squirly SCD cameraman has moved to DOI, since HE CUT TO PAVEL INSTEAD OF JESSICA! *DOH* Score: 24.5 There was a mistake but it was Pavel’s!

Maray are looking awesome in training again and sure enough, their Rock Around The Clock routine has everything it should have, timing, musicality, togetherness. They are brilliant to watch. Score: 29.5. Can they have him fully trained with a partner by the next Winter Olympics? Colart have to follow but have a great number in The Shoop Shoop Song - big improvement in the music tonight. Fun but still not improving her skating. I defend the public’s right to keep her in, but it’ll be a shame if any of the others go, they’ve all improved so much. Score: 16.5

Safe and skating next week: Colart! Whoa - toughest skate off coming up! Zomatt; Maray; Floral; Roxiel! OMG - Pavica have to be victims of assumption, surely! They’re making us wait while they show some of the auditions from Ice X-Factor, thankfully none of the really dreadful ones. There’s a four year old girl who’s been skating for six years, lol! She’s better than me. Some great looking acts there. Back to the skate off, Frelinda better than first time, will they do it again? Pavica nail the missed lift, it’s beautiful and we see all of the required element. That should see them through, yep 5-0 to Pavica - but Jason’s nasty comment has upset Jessica, more so than being in the dance off. When's Kevin due home? Jason better hope he didn't see that, not known for his shyness in stepping up, our KP. Props week next week! It was one prop the first year, two props last year - will they make it three? Can’t see it myself.

Let’s Dance for Comic Relief: Week One

I missed the start so I’m wondering who these men are dancing to what I’m guessing is High School Musical (Matt can’t stand it, so I haven’t had to see it). Full of energy; the younger bloke is really good! Ah - they’re Eastenders! Nice judges - Anton Du Beke, Emma Bunton and Michael McIntyre, who makes me laugh just looking at him and specially with his Bruno impression! Biggins and Nikki Chapman and a very pedestrian ‘You’re The One That I Want’ - as Michael says:” Why dance when you can walk ...to Let’s Walk/Private Walker ...or take part in Strictly Come Walking!” Robert Webb’s doing Flashdance and I’m LOL already: “I’m living the dream of a professional welder” and LOL all the way through - ‘What a Feeling’ …he must have in that leotard. The Chefs - only two of whom look vaguely familiar - could Gordon, Anthony, James etc not be persuaded? They’re recreating ‘Thriller’ and some have really got it going on, others are dreadful. Good overall effect. Les Dennis is John Travolta …’s dad. ‘You Should Be Dancing’, well, he’s having a go and the ending with all the dancers was pretty in sync. Dick and Dom! Oh, goodness, what are they going to do? The Blues Brothers ‘Shake Your Tail Feather’ - cool! Well, I say that now, they haven’t started yet. Actually, it’s pretty good - little Dom particularly. Flashdance and The Blues Brothers get a vote each from me, although if I had to choose just one it would be Robert. The Saturdays Just Can’t Get Enough doing a very passable impression of a female Village People. Now you see, the original of this was an 80s classic that Dancing on Ice could have used! Ooh, Billy Elliott - Electricity. Nah, preferred Robert’s welding. Steve Jones is very similar to Gethin isn’t he? Except a bit taller and less charming. Before the result, can I just say - this is for Comic Relief ok, it’s not a serious dance competition, in case anyone's thinking of complaining if the worst one goes through! Straight through: Robert! Yay! Judges to choose between Dick and Dom and the Eastenders. Anton has casting vote and it’s Dick and Dom - the studio audience are booing; that’s a new experience for Anton! We’re treated to the full length video of ‘(Barry)Islands in the Stream’ before they let the balloons loose.

Now then, in the week leading up to comic relief I’m going to do a ‘Scenes you’d like to see… worst records in the world ever.’ For example - Mouldy Old Dough by the Fabulous Baker Boys, The Beast is Yet to Come or Wake Me Up Before You Poo Poo. Got the idea? I’m telling you this because, pauper though I am, if I can get a hundred comments adding a song of their own (by different people) to that post, I’ll double my donation. So that’ll only take it to £20 but, like they say, every little helps! Thinking caps on people, you have two weeks!

4BT: Scenes we’d like to see …

... bad things to hear on waking up:

“That was a darnce disarrster, darrrling.”

“I say, would a jar of Vaseline help?”

“… four thousand, five thousand, six thousand …PULL.”

“Good evening. Dinner is served. With a nice chianti and some fava beans. Ya ya ya ya yum!”

I know, I've cheated by having four - if there's an overwhelming majority that hates one of them, I'll delete it!

Sportsnight

Nicola Minichiello, 3rd place overall in the Bobsleigh World Cup, after securing a Bronze medal in the European championships.

Bob Skeleton: Shelly Rudman runner up in World Cup.

Bowls:

Ceri Ann Davies and David Gourlay, World Indoor Mixed Pairs Champions.

A one- two for GB - Debbie Stavrou and Alison Merrion, World Indoor Championships Tour Final.

Billy Jackson, World Indoor Champion.

The things they say:

Matt went all serious and topical on me:

“Mum, did you know there’s a 13 year old boy who’s a dad?”

“Yes.”

“I want a baby. I want triplets and I’m going to call them Todd, Tim and Tiddle.”

“You’re going to call your child after a cat? And ....Triplets!!!!”

“Yes.”

“You just stay away from girls until you’re 25.”

Anton Chekhov’s The Cherry Orchard - The Musical!

Now I’m pretty sure Chekhov never had Mary Hopkin in mind when he wrote this comic-tragedy/tragic-comedy, but you know, somehow it worked! This was a very different play to the one I expected, courtesy of the wonderfully talented Blackeyed Theatre and adapted by Bart Lee (see link for the tour dates). Chekhov, I thought, would not really be My Thing; much too high-brow. I’ve since changed my mind and will be visiting a library near me soon.

Pleasantly surprised at the pace and ingenuity, this opened my eyes to what could be achieved with just four actors playing over a dozen parts between them. Comedy and music combined for a thoroughly enjoyable evening, with none of the power and emotion of the original play lost - even with lines such as “Do I look fat in this?” which I doubt was in the original! Uttered by Dunyasha, the chambermaid, who, with the other servants are given much greater scope in this production, their new found voices and vaudeville pieces were a delight, particularly the song including “My mother wanted me to marry number six; but he had diseases and a mouldy …” cue uproarious laughter! From me, anyway. Oh, give over - from everyone. We were in Chatham, for goodness sake!

Drawn on many of the issues affecting Chekhov himself, growing up during Russia’s social upheaval, The Cherry Orchard was first performed in 1904. Director Constantin Stanislavski interpreted the play as a drama against Chekhov’s wishes - the writer subtitled his play ‘A Comedy in Four Acts.’ He’d have taken great pleasure from this interpretation.

Make Mine Chocolate (not that Kinder rubbish though)

Tom Chambers has a bunny rabbit, bless - isn’t he cute? I’m talking about the rabbit, Foxy! Ok, Tom’s not too shabby either. (And I think Clemmie must be a girl rabbit, since his other rabbit is called Winston and Clemmie was Winston Churchill’s wife - it’s amazing the things you remember isn’t it? It’s only because ‘Jennie, Lady Randolph Churchill’ starring Lee Remick, was one of my favourite programmes when I was little.)

Naturally my eye was drawn to this site, because ‘Make Mine Chocolate’ is my family motto. However, there are Important Issues going on here too - we all know a dog is for life, not just for Christmas; it seems the same goes for bunnies too. Only at Easter. So Make Mine Chocolate! (Ok, they’re preaching to the converted with me, but the sentiment remains). There are eggs going cheap at Asda, by the way - we‘ve already got a stockpile.

Running Commentary, Week Six: Dancing on Ice

Going back to my roots: 80’s night is here! It’s quite sad, isn’t it, how excited I am. They’re all out together for ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’, Zoe giving the Madonna hair a tryout, Jessica going for a Mickey Mouse look?! Remembering Bolero - yep, still spine tingling. Required element: Shadow Spin, full circle, one footed - twice! Ooh-er.

Roxiel Soft rock pop classic ‘China In Your Hand’ and Roxy is feeling a bit fragile with a dislocated rib. Transitions still a bit sticky, more lovely lifts, spin two footed unfortunately. Score: 16 Floral, on location in Miami with R‘n‘B’ pop rock ‘Addicted to Love’. Excellent spin, good confident skating again, just needs a bit more on the performance side. Score: 18.5, their best yet. Poor Pavel - that’s the second big tumble Jess has taken. Pavica take on Bananarama’s ‘Venus’, great poses struck, skating and spins fantastic, just a slightly awkward entry into the big lift but overall terrific, loved it. Score: 23.5.

Gordon the Gopher’s in the house! Should I admit to watching Phil and Gordon? Probably not. Colart wearing red and skating to ‘Lady in Red’. Flirty Coleen having a ball but not enough content, spin two footed and the skating non-existent, what she did was tentative at best. Score: 14.5 Ruthie and Nicky said it too: tentative. Well hello Kyran, he’s turned up to pass on a few tips. Frankery have a lot of fun with Come on Eileen, excellent spin, nice performance but still room for improvement. Score: 15.5 Jason’s Mr Popular again. Not.

Frelinda and …99 Red £$%^&*” Balloons, for crying out loud. Can I say how disappointed I am with the music so far? I was looking forward to getting up and, er, getting on down. Almost fell out of the lift but well skated, didn’t quite nail the spin. Score: 17.5 Come on, Maray, give me something. Oh, it’s the other big film number one of ‘87. Very smooth, fluid, awesome lift, musical, intense relationship, no mistakes. Big score coming I think. Score: 30 Can’t argue with that. Although Ruthie saying watching him is better than eating chocolate fudge cake I would have to dispute. I mean, yes, he’s good but better than chocolate fudge cake? Steady on, Ruthie.

Zoe’s done her ribs in too! One accident - ok; two - a bit careless; three of the girls and I’m thinking: Conspiracy. Where was Coleen when all these happened? Has Melinda got an alibi? Zomatt skating to ‘I Think We’re Alone now’. Jeez. I never quite got into that, good spin but not as fluid as it should have been. Score: 22.

Come on, the 80’s was the Decade of Dance! I know, I was there. Yet all we got was more cheesy pop than a bottle of R Whites in Cheddar Gorge. That’s the stuff that gave the 80’s such a bad rep. Grrrrrrrr. They could have had Style Council, Luther and Janet, Haircut 100 …safe and skating next week: Maray; Colart; Zomatt; Pavica; Floral - my faves this week all through…The Whispers, Stephanie Mills, Lynx …Roxiel are safe. Frankery and Frelinda, third time each in the Skate-Off. Ellery was doing so well until a big fall, Melinda just has to stay upright. But oh, God, how I hated this song back in the day. Much better from Frelinda though, lift perfected, no contest. Oh, hang on - Nicky went for Ellery. No, it’s 4 -1 Frelinda …Brass Construction, Roy Ayers, Teena Marie …maybe I was expecting too much …

3BT: Happy Valentine’s Day

Harriett Scott from HeartFM (how very apt!) is getting married today and has understandably been Going On about it for weeks! Congratulations, I hope all goes well!

They asked we listeners if anything had gone wrong on our wedding days - I answered No! I’m actually a good organiser but obviously couldn’t take credit for the fireworks that went off in the park opposite my reception venue, around 10pm. I might have inadvertently let some people believe I had a hand in them …

They asked for First Dances - ours were Anita Baker ‘Caught Up in the Rapture’ and (sick bucket not supplied) Guinn ‘Give Everything You Got For Love’. Which I supplied to the DJ, naturally - along with half my record collection and a must - play list that DID NOT include the Birdie Song or Agadoo or Bohemian Rhapsody. Consequently the dance floor was packed all night. When I told the DJ I liked Jazz, you see, he assumed Jazz Funk - it was like a Caister Finale! He said it was a change from the week before - when the bride’s dad kept telling him to turn the sound down! I made sure my dad had plenty of Guinness; his knees go - he wouldn’t have made it across the dance floor.

And they asked: 'Have You Ever' and 'How Did' you lose your wedding ring ? I dropped mine and it rolled the width of the bedroom floor (the bit with the missing piece of carpet. Don’t ask) and under the wardrobe (managing to miss the length of wood propping it up at the bottom. Don’t ask). Cue lots of ‘Where’s your wedding ring?‘ Not that he’s insecure or anything …it had to stay there until we decorated; honestly - you couldn’t have rolled it under there on purpose.

The Origin of a Species

Today is the birthday of a very special man. One who made a huge impact on my life and quite possibly yours too, as we ponder how some creatures can evolve into perfect specimens, completely at one with their environments; we consider how their bodies are perfectly tuned to the needs of their own kind. And we contemplate the complexities of life, such as “I wonder if he’ll win tonight” and “Will he get his kit off anytime soon?” I’m talking about Gethin Jones - who’re you thinking of? Oh, of course - it’s Charles Darwin’s birthday too!

Happy birthday to you
Sticky backed plastic and glue
Sparkly sequins and a fake tan
And a see through shirt too!

I’ve never claimed to be a poet, OK! Happy Birthday and good luck in Glasgow, Gethin.

Warning: Annie is there alone, there’s no-one to tie her down!

3BT: Scenes we’d like to see ...

…unlikely medical labels.

Ingredients: Eye of newt and wing of bat; leg of toad and tongue of cat; stir twice round and twice again; with a leaky felt tip pen.

As tested on Paul Daniels.

May cause sudden and uncontrollable attraction to goats.

Confessions of a Storyboarder

Storyboarding day on the scriptwriting course - this was a laugh and a half. Remind me never to enrol in an Art class. It certainly opens your eyes to a director’s job though - every single shot, not just scene; every angle of every camera shot has to be drawn.

We were given scenarios to choose from; I took ‘Someone was late’ and based it on standing up a boyfriend. Oh, come on - it was 28 years ago, I’m sure he’s forgiven me now. Sorry David! You see, I got off the bus at one stop and he wasn’t there. So I waited (for half an hour) then decided to get the bus home (no mobiles then you see, kids - we managed. Well, except in this instance, obviously - would have saved a lot of bother.) So my bus drives around the corner and I see David waiting at the bus stop around there. I was supposed to be meeting his mum for the first time; I bottled it and stayed on the bus. He phoned the next day and before he could say anything, I berated him for standing me up …I never did meet his mum. Oh, well - it never would have worked between us: He was an Arsenal fan.

From a story persective though - there's a 'what if' scenario if ever there was! What if ...I'd gotten off that bus? I might not be here typing this! :o

Running Commentary, Dancing on Ice: Week Five

Special guest Bette Midler (looking very trim) opens the show with T&D in understated mood, to a song that could be the American Eurovision entry. The transitions betweens T&D’s lifts are just so effortless, just like the chat between Bette and Phil, much less awkward than the scripted exchange between Bette and Brucie. Holly’s ready for bed (I jest, that’s the nicest dress I’ve seen her in so far.) The required element: One footed change of edge, I think they said. My telly can’t cope with the orange and pink combos, I wish they’d stop it. And Melinda will never stay in that dress and I want trousers like Maria’s (without the see-through bits). And oh, God - Roxiel are doing the Headbanger! A warning first please, don’t just surprise us! Karen reminds me of my sister-in-law. Ruthie gets boos!

Pavica are doing a Fred and Ginge - Cheek to Cheek. A few nerves crept in there but a proper ballroom dance on ice, accompanied by Ella. Works for me. Score: 22 Floral are counting music and dancing to Black and Gold - now where’ve I heard that recently? Skated very well I thought, loved the Olympic hydroplane, plenty of skating. Score: 17 Roxiel - toe curling buttock clenching time - it’s Hallelujah. Lovely routine, their Headbanger not so scary, beautiful lifts - it’s the footwork transitions on the ice that are sometimes a bit sticky (like I’d know). Score: 16.5 Jason’s set the audience off again. PS. Re the Headbanger, it became a float due to a slightly clumsy entry, which is why it wasn‘t so scary.

Frankery “Don’t mention the lift!” are enjoying themselves to Boogie Wonderland, needs more speed and hasn’t improved as much as I thought he would. Fun though. Score: 15 Zomatt bringing out some tricky lifts - but she’s not crying so that’s an improvement. Gorgeous routine to one of the first songs I ever bought - ‘Lovin You’ by Minnie Ripperton who was married to Richard Rudolph who produced the ‘Lady T’ album by Teena Marie, my favourite singer. What’s that, this isn’t 6 degrees from …ok Score: 22 Todzie have ‘Smile’ aw, bless - perfect. Looking much more confident in training. Come on Todd! Is it me or has anyone else noticed they all looking a bit trimmer tonight? Heartwarming and sweet; looked like he did more skating in training though?! Score: 8.5

Frelinda dancing to ‘Up’ by the Saturdays. I’d never heard of them before ‘Issues’ which bugged me for ages before I found out who it was. Such a shame about the stumble, although well recovered it was looking like a routine full of attitude until then. She’s gutted - but may get the chance again. Score: 16.5. Colart - oh dear - you know how I feel about the crying/I can’t do it brigade. Can’t fight the moonlight or the tears! There now - what was she worried about? Really nice routine, only one little titchy barely there trip. LOL at the horse impression. Score: 15.5 Maray being challenged all the way with the choreography - wish they’d challenge him to lose that hair band! This is brilliant - absolutely my favourite of the night, the musicality, the rhythm, the fun, the dancing - Canned Heat by Jamiroquai a terrific choice for them. Score: 26.5 Well deserved, just the slight wobble on the knees at the end.

After the shock last week we know no-one is safe, so I’ve thrown a vote in for Pavica, Floral, Roxiel and Maray. Didn’t foresee Michanie last week, so not tempting fate again tonight! Jason was asked who’s out-stayed their welcome and answers “Apart from me?” The Skate Off - Safe and skating next week: Roxiel -yay - Maray - yay - Frelinda - Pavica - yay - Floral - yay and WooHoo! Zomatt; So who’ve the fans deserted - Todzie or Colart or both? Just noticed the glitter on Phil’s suit - ugh. Colart safe! Unless Ellery really stuffs up, he’ll be safe - the nerves took hold though and Ruthie went for the improved performance of Todd but it’s 4-1. I feel quite choked actually. Until they said those magic words: It’s 80’s week next week!!!! What do we reckon? Never Gonna Give You Up - Tainted Love - I Feel For You - Don’t You Want Me - True - The Only Way is Up - Vienna - When I Think of You - OMG, there are so many … over to you, Foxy! :D

Strictly Come Dancing LIVE …mine’s a G & T

No ‘Running Commentary’ - it wouldn’t be fair on anyone yet to see the show - all I’ll do is recommend you do! It was a brilliant night’s entertainment, Julian Clary only marginally more hilarious than the warm up man - I had to lose the cardigan very early on as he had us up and dancing to Celebration and Amarillo before the start.

Tom and Cam were up first and the size of the dance floor meant they had to adjust their quickstep somewhat but what a way to kick off. It became apparent that Len was fixated on various parts of the anatomy, Bruno was on top form, Arlene was…Arlene, as only she can be and Craig was roundly booed for every score under 8!

Ballroom dance of the night was Gethin and Flavia’s waltz, although, I have to say I do prefer the original and why have wardrobe re-hashed Gillian’s tea-towel dress for Flavia? A quick break and the warm up man was back and showing an expertise in disco dancing, second only to me when I’ve had a few. Before the spotlights went up and the judges were preparing to re-take their places, both Bruno and Craig are spinning and dancing madly at opposite ends of the stage - the shadows looked fantastic, they should let us see them properly.

The Latin round brought us Julian’s samba - think Todd skating off the ice the other week and that’s how much I was laughing! Tom and Cam’s samba on the other hand, was full of joy and infectious rhythm and had incorporated some of the salsa moves, particularly the armography and is one very good reason to buy the DVD when it comes out. That, and it was impossible to watch everyone in the group dances, where I had eyes only for Gethin and Tom. Gethin got the crowd gagging for him - ok, we already were - whipping us up with his salsa.

Having been, it becomes clear why Rachel and Julian have been having such success ;) but not tonight! Once Tom was eliminated, hopes rested with Gethin and when it was just him and Rachel left and he was announced ‘WINNER’, I was up and punching the air and screaming. The poor woman next to me had been so quiet all night, putting up with me singing, dancing, cheering and booing where appropriate. The poor woman the other side of me was my mum; she’s used to it. We were played out of the arena by Stomp; anyone not yet in the mood for dancing, that would've clinched it.

I could’ve sworn it was Ian ...

I dropped Brad into his place on the way to work this morning, and as we drove up the hill I saw a paper boy cross the road ahead and wave as we approached. So I waved back and Brad says; “What are you doing?”

“I’m waving at Ian.”

“That’s’ not Ian."

“He waved at us.”

“No, he slipped on that patch of ice and his arm went like that *waves arm randomly*. He was nothing like Ian. Honestly, woman.”

It's snowing again. So here's a joke...

I don't know what made me think of it today, it's very old but here goes.

A man called an escort agency and requested a tall, slim red headed woman. When she turned up he asked her to strip off and kneel on all fours in front of the fire. She was a bit peturbed but did as she was asked. He said he wouldn't be a moment and left the room, returning a few minutes later with a Red Setter and saying:

"You see, that's what you'll look like if you don't eat your dinner!"

3BT: Scenes we’d like to see - Letters ignored by Jim’ll Fixit

Dear Jim, I’m a judge on Strictly Come Dancing and I want to decide the winner - can you fix it for me?

Dear Jim, my husband is having an affair with his secretary and I’ve heard you’re known as ‘The Fixer’, is this true?

Dear Jim, I can‘t get out of my turning because of the snow - do you have a 4x4 I can borrow?

3BT: Music Choices

Way to go, Foxy! It’s my new Show Dance …

For some reason I thought this was called Wishing Well, which is why I couldn’t find it on Youtube *Doh!* I think it’d make a lovely Viennese Waltz. Toby played it on the Time Tunnel, the year was 1987 and I’m sure of that because Toby also played this.(Reminds me of Corfu, September that year.) If only I wasn‘t in the car at the time - I jest, I still dance. I get some funny looks from fellow motorists but I still dance!

Winter Sports Night

Jenny Jones - first British woman to win a medal in the prestigious X-Games and it’s GOLD!

Shelley Rudman, Bob Skeleton European Champion and topping the World Cup Rankings - with a broken finger and in her first season back after giving birth. And footballers wear gloves *sniggers*

Sinead and John Kerr win Ice Dance European Championship Bronze - the first medal since Torvill and Dean in 1994.

And to illustrate how fantastic these results are …

I’ve only been ski-ing twice, the first time in Sauze Doux (Italy) where there was very little snow. I only got the bug on the last day, when we found a nice little slope I could manage. Up till then, I’d only attempted the big nursery slope; my experienced friend and guide led me sidestepping up the slope, turned me round - and let me go …away, off down the hill, arms outstretched. No snowplough, nothing. Just straight ahead down the slope, heading for a bunch of Italian teenagers having a lesson. They’re all lined up, either side of an instructor at the head of them. They see me coming and start with the handclaps and “Hup-hup-hup-hup” (watch Ski Sunday) and I’m yelling “GET OUT OF THE WAY, GET OUT OF THE WAY …” The ski instructor turns at the last minute, can of coke in hand - all I remember is the tin flying up in the air and an arc of cola glinting in the sunlight. We end up over the fence, on top of each other in someone’s back garden. Anyway, so he’s pulling me to my feet …and then pulling me to my feet again. And again. And starts telling me ‘Ercu et ercu’ I think; I’ve no idea what it means, but he’s illustrating by turning me from side to side, so I think it might be “Turn, you pathetic English idiot, turn!” But it isn’t recognised on the on-line translator I tried.

The second time was in Bulgaria and this time we went with Ski-School - and were traversing across moguls on black runs within three days. Awesome. Then I had my ski’s nicked and they replaced the fine, cool, aluminium(?) ones I’d had with two planks of wood. They say I just fell over and have no idea how the binding snapped. I say I did a three and a half turn somersault with a two full twists and that’s how the binding snapped. I didn’t go again. It was an ambition; I’m cured now.

Running Commentary, Dancing on Ice: Week Four

T&D and a fantastic return for Chris. Don’t know the song (help me, Foxy!) but I loved that routine. Full of swing and energy and fire. The required element tonight: Pairs spiral - Todd’s speciality!

Frelinda are doing the Macarena, I love it; Fred doesn’t. Why'd they put Melinda in an orange meringue? She looks like a bottle of Lucozade about to explode. Little bit tentative but overall well done. Score: 16.5 Oi, Jason - I was doing that last week “drunk people at a party” indeed. Well, duh! Maray dancing to Smooth Criminal, very funky but losing confidence. Adored the moonwalk sequence, small stumble but the butterfly jump brought his confidence back. Terrific musicality and spiral. Score: 24. Nicky’s face while Jason‘s talking LOL, he’s the one getting Jason in the car park tonight! To coin a TV Burp phrase: Fight, fight, fight, fight …Zomatt have Hot and Cold - very Zoe! Much more confident, the hypnotherapist appears to have worked. But she didn’t seem to have much skating, he seemed to do all the work. The necklace lift was great - foreshadowing the Headbanger to come, no doubt. Score: 20.

An impressive start for Frankery to With or Without You and an impressive lift, bit tentative in other places and overall it wasn’t particularly memorable. Score: 16 Ruthie being booed big time for “a safe performance” it didn’t have the fun of his first week, to be fair. Collart are in the mood for dancing! So am I, always! Samba feathers to go with a promenade walk. Spiral a bit shaky but they have such a fun time. Score: 16 Nicky’s going to be joined by Karen in the car park. Floral do The Blues Brothers Everybody Needs Somebody - Jayne wasn‘t kidding when she said there was some great music tonight. Nice suit, I bet her jacket will come off, she’s got tassles dangling out the back. Yep, there it goes. Such a shame about the fall, but a fantastic recovery, seems totally unfazed and carries on. Good on yer, Donal! He was so going for it. Score: 16 Nicky compensated for Jason and Ruthie’s low scores. Lovin’ the audience drowning out nasty Jason. :D wouldn’t it be great if the Strictly audience did that! Incidentally, I finally got round to checking my phone bill. I shan‘t be voting tonight.

Michanie have a bad fall and I’m thinking, oh, no, not again. But it’s Mel this time and she’s ok. *Phew* Dancing to Kiss (and make it better?) Excellent performance considering, great spiral, nice and fluid, almost back to last year’s Michael. Score: 18.5 Roxiel perform their best to date to Sweet about Me, lovely choreography, very warm partnership. Score: 17 should be safe, puts them above the melee. Todzie - dunno about Every Breath You Take - we’re all holding ours! I’m still laughing at last week, which is just as well, because this week wasn‘t anywhere near as entertaining. His spiral was better but I don’t think the comic choreography did him any favours. Better to give him proper choreography he can muck up, much funnier. Score: 7.5 - he got more last week!? Pavica last up to Groove is in the Heart. Very smooth and rhythmic, fantastic neck spin. Best spiral of the night and the performance was there. Score: 21.5 I didn’t see a stumble, apart from her eyelashes, which seem to have fallen on her cheeks.

Skate off? Frelinda or Frankery possibly. I think from Roxiel upwards on the scoreboard will be safe. But no: Safe and Skating next week: Floral; Pavica; Zomatt; Maray; Roxiel; Frankery! Todzie! Collart! It’s Frelinda and Michanie - they were so popular last year! Frelinda nailed the lift, more fluid. I didn’t know Mel and Fred were married. Michanie show more of Michael actually skating. Both stronger, nothing between them. Two votes each - Robin the casting one and it goes to Frelinda. Shame, Michanie were just starting to get their old partnership back.

Is it just me …

… or did anyone else notice Harry Hill making a cameo appearance on Demons last night?

I can’t wait to see if he mentions it on TV Burp next week …lol.