Urban Wildlife

My irregular ‘Urban Wildlife’ section today sees my much put-upon but always enthusiastic reporter, Diana Grey, staking out a local area that has become the main province for nocturnal wildlife labelled ‘Hoodies’ by the community.

The Hooded Wolf (Cucullus Canis Lupus)

I followed the pack as closely as I dared, praying they wouldn’t catch my scent. (Although I doubted they’d recognise ‘Gardenia‘). They’re creatures of habit, usually found assaulting trolleys in supermarket car parks or shortening the chains of swings in near-abandoned playgrounds. Attempts have been made to curb the growth of this predatory pest, with the introduction of ASBO’s to their territories. However, monitoring of the dens show that adult Cuculli release their offspring early in life, with little or no supervision. They are closely related to, but not to be confused with, the Chav (Conluvies Chavus), who prowl mainly in town centres.
Due to a limited diet (fags, beer, e-numbers), behaviour patterns can be erratic. They aimed abuse at potential prey; he merely gazed back, pityingly, as the alpha male tripped up the pavement and head-butted the lamp-post. The alpha female, often the more savage of the breed, lurked mainly at the back of the pack, emitting occasional mating calls, such as: “Oi! Ya bleedin’ tosser!” or “Fancy a shag, granddad!“
Once this breeding pattern emerged, the pack separated, their hunt over for the night. In nine months time, a new litter will enter the vicious circle of metropolitan life.

Next time: From the flooded plains of the red lion to the sodden foothills of the white hart, Diana tracks the frequently spotted Plastered Teen (Iuventae Bingeus Drincus).

End