Dancing on Ice Awards

After vowing to remain neutral and just enjoy each week, I did find myself voting for Suzanne at the end - her performances were magical, particularly the ‘Time To Say Goodbye’ flying routine. So, so beautiful and so emotional. Followed up by the awesome Music routine with the Twisting Headbanger, a worthy winner. See, the GBP can be trusted to get it right! SCD Bosses, are you taking notes? The GG’s Bravery Award for Services to the Public to the Dancing on Ice producers.

James Bond: The Musical Award in Coiffure: Ruthie Henshall. There was some decidedly Miss Moneypenny stylees going on there sometimes.

The Time Warp Award for Growing up Quickly: Chris Fountain. From whingy and negative sandbagging to all round entertainer. Fantastic spins.

The One That Got Away Award: Michael Underwood. If the GG’s were going to have a favourite, early indications suggest it may have been him. Although, with our phones still disconnected following SCD, voting may have proven difficult! You know, one of our girls actually had BT on the line, concerned at how much she was spending. And another had to go through security four times in order to keep the mobile topped up. Now that’s commitment! A lovely fun guy, a real shame. Also wins the GG’s Award for Gallantry following his: “I put her boot in my braces” quote!

As for Greg, nice bloke, but well, was Kristina ever going to let him lift her above his waist? Could they get through a routine without any embarrassing handclaps and mime hands? *cringes at memory*. Surely they could have made more of his speed and strength. The runaway winner of the Marcel Marceau Award for Dumb Tweeness. N.B: Note to Jason - if you don’t want someone to go through, don’t encourage the vote by threatening a boycott! Note to judges everywhere - look up the phrase ‘Sympathy Vote’.

The Slow Slow Quick Quick Slow Award to …Me. I was reviewing one week through a snow storm and static due to a really ropey tape, somynotesallreadlikethis. Consequently, I heard Pinky and Perky do Billy Joel and Alvin and the Chipmunks covering ‘Mickey’. Which, to be fair, was an improvement on the original.

The Get It Where you Can At Our Age Award to: Aggie! I was watching from behind the sofa, she banged her head so much. Then I twigged it was a ploy to be forever cradled in Sergei’s arms. Respect!

A good series for quotes - the nominees are: Michael: "Give me the 'quiteeasytodospiral'. Don't give me the Death Spiral. Cos that's what you'll get!" Steve: "Am I planning on sleeping?" Kids, do you want daddy to win or lose: "LOSE". Nice bloke Steve but didn’t set the ice alight...luckily, cos that would be bad, you know, on account of the melting and stuff ...Jason made me laugh "Stand by you and give you a shove!" The Ben E.King classic given contemporary lyrics. Linda, mistakenly given a 6.0 by Nicky: "You can't take it back!" Jason called her a goer! "I'll show you later" she replied. Jayne: “Behind every man there’s a woman rolling her eyes!” But the Winner of Quote of the Series: Linda: “I just couldn’t get hold of his trousers!” Well, she was partnered with the gorgeous Daniel, it’s understandable she got distracted down there.

The Don’t Mess With Me Award: Karen Barber: I thought Karen was gonna whack Jason at some point, and Nicky was desperately close to receiving a clip around the ear! So many fights and Karen at the centre in most of them; she likes to get stuck in. And she looks so sweet and quiet! Nicky was scared to give low marks the week after she laid into him! She’d have taken both him and Jason - at the same time - no trouble!

Gareth: The Leave off Wearing a See Through Shirt to a Real Man Please Award *shudders* Not a good look. The female vote didn’t happen for Gareth then - could it be the women of GB aren’t as shallow as they’re made out?

The Hot-Under-the-Collar Award for Sexiest Performance: Daniel and Linda’s Son of a Preacher Man. Shimmy outta that jacket why don’t cha! Did you notice, Daniel wears glasses in training? Not unlike a certain other gentleman we know!

And finally: The I Bet Philip Didn’t Know Where To Put His Face Award: Holly Willoughby’s Wardrobe Mistress. Really, you know, it was tea time! Even Tess’s Quality Street efforts did offer decent coverageness.