A night in with Pam Ayres

I saw Pam Ayres live
And now my sides have split
At her anecdotal wonderings
She thought about and writ
I was happy sitting there
I’m not a poetry snob
But it’s a shame the bloke behind me
Kept poking me with his programme.
As far as the audience was concerned
I was the youngest there (probably!)
I’d looked after me teeth
And still had all my own hair.
We had the tale of the wonder bra
Some looked a little confused
When she started on the French Lessons
They looked even more bemused
I can be honest enough to say
It’s the best stand-up I’ve seen
Fair enough, I don’t get out much
But a funny, engaging routine.
Pam can be very naughty
I think I’m on her wavelength
But that man with his sodding programme
Dear God, please give me strength.

The Race for Life: In memory of Christopher.

Today is the anniversary of a very courageous young man, my nephew Christopher, losing his fight against cancer last year. Known as Nelly to his mates - he turned up at school one day sporting a plaster on one cheek - apparently rap artist Nelly used to do that. Sport the plaster that is, not turn up at school. Not that I'm saying Nelly bunked off or anything - I didn't know him as a child. Anyway, the point is, of course, that I'm doing the Race for Life for Christopher. Though when I say 'Race' I am using the term in the loosest possible sense; likely it'll be The Stroll-with-the-possibility-of-breaking-into-a-slight-jog for Life. Or a Shimmy for Life, if I remember to borrow an I-Pod. If you'd like to donate, all you have to do is click that race for Life button just there on the left.

3BT: The Sunday Sport. No, not that one! Behave.

The Boat Race was won by Oxford for the fourth time in five years and nobody sank.

I rowed at school and whilst I never sank, I did hit a bridge once. They’d let us out in sculling boats, which was all well and good ‘cept I forgot there was a bend in the river. It wasn’t my fault - you can’t see where you’re going and you don’t get a coxwain in a sculling boat, do you!

The Cyclists didn’t quite hit the heights of last year but still show the ‘bigger’ sports the way home with their World Championship results, with two golds and third in the medal table. Dave Brailsford won’t be settling for that though.

And way to go Jenson Button - a 1st and 3rd for our lads in the first GP in Melbourne. A very messy affair with a lot of debris, except for Jenson who led from lights to flag, whilst Lewis stormed through from 18th on the grid to somehow end up 3rd. We last saw him in around 7th, but they didn’t make it very clear how he got to fourth, as I’m sure not all them in front crashed out. Jake will probably know, I’m sure he’ll update soon! (I'm guessing there might still be a bit of partying to be done yet).

My name in the paper! Well, sort of …

Oh, to be twenty years younger, free to travel the world and paid to write. It’s too late for me but I shall live it through my clever and talented niece, who has lived and worked abroad and has a piece in the Daily Mail today! Brooke co-wrote the story - she’s a proper journalist you see (unlike me; I just pretend in my spare time. But am open to offers - writing offers that is - especially paid ones so I can be a proper journalist!) and she put together this article about Cryogenics. She’s always on the lookout for someone’s story to tell, so if you have something you think needs sharing in a magazine or newspaper, you can contact me via the email on The Daily Scatter - see ‘Letters to the Editor’ down the right hand side - and I’ll put you in touch. She can sing too; if I didn’t love her I’d hate her.

Funny she should mention Simon Cowell - the X-Factor audition panel told her she sounded too much like Celine Dion for them to consider her??!! Go figure …

3BT: Song(s) for Today

I came in halfway through this on the radio and was trying to figure out: Was it Jill Scott? Erykah Badu? Gobsmacked when Mr DJ said it was Amy Winehouse (course I can hear it now) but it’s a familiar old story isn’t it - how a talent wilts under pressure. Her record company have chucked her last lot of demos back at her, let's hope she can get back on form soon.

I’m doing a Running Commentary about The Apprentice on my Unreality Shout blog, if you’re interested in that kind of thing. I know - it’s nothing to do with dancing! I must be getting out more and not noticed …The Hobbit reckoned Anita reminded him of a blowfish.

Poorly littlun perks up

Matt appears to have an ingrowing toenail - he was all weepy and pathetic until the nurse said the magic words - “You don’t have to go to school.” Suddenly, it didn’t seem to hurt so much!

He had a mad rush upon his return though - he was supposed to have done a poster about ‘Sand’ for science homework. Cue taking out the stopper from the requisite Isle of Wight souvenir - a little bottle of multi coloured sand. It was pretty effective actually, not bad for a last minute effort. We have a mini beach in the living room now, but hey, as long as he gets a good mark!

Sporty 3BT

England's Women win the Cricket World Cup. Didn't you see the ticker tape and triumphant open top bus parade? Honestly, where were you? Or maybe that'll be next week?

Tune in for the Cycling World Championships, coverage starts on BBC2 at 7pm on Wednesday.

Breaking News: Footballing Teenager re-christened ‘The Hobbit’.

He was curled up in a ball on the sofa, asleep after the game yesterday - all we could see was a pair of dirty feet. They were probably like it before he went football.

Running Commentary, Dancing on Ice: The Final

We start with T&D’s Bolero. Still mesmerising. The required element this week - Flying! Karen went with just the blue smarties this week.

Floral out first, to Rocket Man. Great control, fab shapes but very little time on the ice and it’s his skating that’s has been his strength. Score: 23.5 - including a six from Ruthie (a 3 from Jason makes the average between them about right, I’d say.) Where’s Ruthie going to go from there, bearing in mind Jessica and Ray are stronger than Donal? Pavica - One Moment in Time, there’s no mention of flying in that though? *Shrugs* Not my fave song, but a lovely warm performance, I actually got goosebumps. I’m sure they used to spend some time on the ice though. Score: 25.5. Maray to The Greatest Day. Seems they’ve dispensed with the Angels/flight theme then! Another fine performance, fantastic partnership and a bit more on the ice. Score: 30! I confess to not being blown away by the aerials this time round though, not like Suzanne’s last year. I’m looking forward to something uptempo on the ice now.

But no, Floral have gone with Everybody Hurts, their favourite and it is beautiful, nailed the big lift. A well deserved best score ever: 25.5 His daughter shouted out for him and there was a collective 'Awwww’ from the audience! Pavica have gone for uptempo, yay! Mercy, excellent choice, great skating, lots of tricks. Score: 26 Maray - Canned Heat, please Canned Heat but of course they’ve gone for Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now, their perfect routine before. And again - there’s no denying the quality of it, smooth, emotive. Score: 30, not a surprise. 60 out of a possible 60! Awesome. Doubt we’ll ever see that again. I don’t know why it was better than before but I thought it was - Robin said it was the ‘nuances’. That’s nuances, not nuisances, which is my family when I’m trying to watch something. It’s Mothers Day - you’d think they’d be quiet and let me hog the telly, wouldn’t you?

The Oxford Freestylers, choreographed by T&D. Exciting! Pulp It - and it was very exciting, great stuff. They are showmen. Just two to go through and skate their version on Bolero - I can’t decide, but I think, on the whole, I’m going for Maray. It’s Maray V Floral! Feel so so sorry for Pavica - why oh why can’t they let the third place do Bolero too! They’d be happy still then, now they’re upset. Oh, what’s that - they’ll do it on tour? Ok, I was thinking about going - that settles it. Crafty, aren’t they?

Floral’s Bolero - they could nick this, I‘ve a feeling it will be emotional. Gorgeous smooth ending with what has become his signature move, the Olympic Hydroplane. Calling for a knighthood for T&D, what a guy! Maray’s Bolero - well, that does it for me, his skating has been phenomenal, he’s nailed the musicality, the performance, the emotion, everything, every week. The others are all back. This has been the strongest line up so far, real strength in depth. Apologies about Gemma. Er, is it cruel to say I’d forgotten all about her? Recapping T&D’s best bits and now we’re ready for the verdict.

It’s MARAY! So pleased for Maria, she’s been close a couple of times and always builds a smashing partnership with her celeb. Crack on then Ray - there’s a Winter Olympics next year!

Irish eyes are smiling ...

Woohoooooo!! I tuned in, I groaned, I cheered, I disappeared out to the kitchen when the Welsh scored, only to return, heart in mouth, for the final few minutes after the drop goal went over. One day, just once, I'd like to be able to watch something live, in full, knowing that we were going to win! It's not just Irish rugby - I always feared I'd put the mockers on bankers like Steve Redgrave. Brian O'Driscoll, up there - Man of the Match again!

And, to cap a terrific day - England won the Women's Six Nations Championship! Which I can legitimately celebrate too - I'm only half Irish. And a quarter Welsh, so it was never going to be a completely wasted day, was it? Congratulations to Catherine Spencer and her team.

Motown legend on the Jonathan Ross show

Hasn’t anyone told Lionel Richie he’s supposed to age? He doesn’t look any different now from twenty-five years ago - what’s your secret, Lionel, come on, give it up. Legendary Lionel is probably responsible for more wedding first dances than anyone else, although we also hear a tiny scrap of the funky Machine Gun, with the Commodores, who he tells us will get to do a final tour with him! Sounds good to me, as does the clip of his new album ‘Just Go’, which sees him collaborate with the likes of Akon. He mentioned also that Marvin Gaye used to make up his songs as he went along! Incredible. Oh, and he wiped out Michael Jackson in a pillow fight, lol!